Has she gone to Rwanda for the beans?

It's been roughly one year since the spark of the largest rush of my young adult life. Exactly one year ago, I spontaneously applied and was accepted to go to some conference called "Creating Change." I had never heard of it. But it was a queer conference, and I go to queer conferences so I didn't see the harm. The conference turned out to be a concentrated shove of resources, mentors, rationales and emotions all asking me what I was going to do about it. Long story short, the following months found me making arrangements to move to Washington DC for the summer to intern with one of the nation's largest LGBT organizations.

That summer changed me in the most transparent way I have ever felt. Upon coming back, I looked at the next 10 months as painstaking steps in achieving my goal of returning east and pursuing a career in the advocacy for human survival, empowerment and respect. So far I'm halfway there.

I just returned from the same conference, 1 year later. I had a completely different perspective both on the conference itself, and my role at the conference. Most of the mentors I had been involved with where there, all completely overwhelmed with their own agendas. I felt independent, strong and focused. I also felt an incredible rush of belonging.

Now it's day one of my return home, and I'm really pushing myself out of a slump. I'm skipping class right now, haven't showered in two days, and am behind in all of my classes. The conference is still rolling through my head, and I can't focus on the things I need to back in Eugene. Running through my head are the names, faces and conversations I've had with executive directors, organizers, public policy associates and many others that I sought out in hopes of finding my place on the east coast. Not once did I sit down and tell myself that I've done enough; I spent my free time in the bar or at a restaurant mingling with folks and letting my name be known. I know I've done the best that I can do, but after watching (wait for it...) the Devil Wears Prada last night and hearing Patrick's lecture to Andi about "not really trying", I wonder--am I there too? Or maybe I need to stop paralleling my life to movies. Or maybe I need to do homework instead of watching movies. Or both.

Either way I'm terrified of my future. I'm terrified that I haven't had this sense of purpose and focus for more than a year and it won't be long enough to find a career. But I'm ready to try. Really try.